I hate emotions

Why do I have to wish stupid things, like walking normally at parties? My walker is just too clunky to get around at parties and then I just always need the help of someone else to get around, which is not fair to them and not fair to me. I have started to become so envious every time I see somebody walking freely in front of me I just want to shout that it isn't fair.

I would just like to even go back to usuing my cane everywhere if I could, because at least it is not that clunky and if I could, I would do I sweet tap dance number with it.

Hey one candream. Just because I have MS, it does not mean it can inffect my positivity or dreams!

Relapse progress and a rendesvous with a ffriend

My relapse that has been kicking my butt most of February is starting to subside a little. Instead of using the lodge's big walker I have been borrowing, I have just been good with my cane and Shawn has been helping me walk too. Shawn and I went to Auburn, Washington to see our friend Chris for his 7th Birthday but really celebrating his 27th leap day birthday)

It feels good to be a little independent again. Well of course it would be! I miss the heck out of being independent!!! But it it is getting a little tiring at first. Maybe I should take it a little slower?

Progress with my book dipite my recent relapse

Since I have been dealing with my most recent sickness (just a head cold) but that of course leads to ,e having a relapse of my MS conditions, But at least this is the first one where I am not not hospital bed ridden. Thank god. Just been using the walker my husband helped me borrow from his masonic lodges. And drank a lot of juice, rest, and then, liquids.

When Shawn would be out doing lodge stuff and other things I worked on my book I am writing about MS and moving with it. Stay tuned to her more.

extreme walking

So last night, February 16, I was taking my tea cup into the sink and with my foot drop and me not paying attention I tripped on my own feet and I went splat on the ground and flung the cup down too. The cup was fine, myself not so fine. Huge bruise on my left thigh, left shoulder in pain, head knocked and still throbbing...overall- PAIN!! I don't need extreme sports. I have extreme walking

trying to keep my toes a-wiggling

So in a previous post I mentioned how my father told me to keep my toes a-wiggling. Well lately, in the pat couple of days, I have been having a harder time with my left foot. Also the same foot I am dragging a little. What the hell?!

Foot drop again?!

So since yesterday evening I once again am dragging my left foot a little behind me. It could be because I am stressed out over finding a roommate, maybe because I have been prescribed to ampyra or because of that epic fall yesterday.

That being said our coffee pot broke, AGAIN. The same scenario too. So we are using someone else coffee pot they have here; one without a lid. Well the coffee was made for me. Which rocks but it was filled all the way up so I started to spill it before even being able to pour any in the cup. As opposed to this, I had to pour some out just so I could pour some into my cup. I eventually got some in there but the cup was scalding hot because I spilt coffee on it. I had the hardest and slowest journey to set down the cup, sadly crying over it. no sense in crying over spilt milk, but good god man. It was coffee!

Appointment today

I had my neurologist appointment today followed by my research study "Wellness and MS". Overall good appointment.Was given prescriptions for Ampryia, a vitamin D at a higher level and a prescription to fight the tremors. My doctor said I am precious, which was very sweet.

Then had my appointment for the research study and it was a lot of filling in information about my mood and then a blood draw. Well the woman giving my the blood draw was kinda bad and could not get anything. Sheesh. And I did not get paid for it, which kinda sucked but I feel good for providing my info.

Oh yeah and had an epic fall n our way to the room we did this in. My foot caught on the carpet near the elevators and I started to fall. As I was falling I reach out to grab anything or anyone to stop me from falling. Well it was a man in his early 60s that I fell into. OK I clung on to the poor man but then ended up falling anyways. Not only did I hurt my back a little but I also injured my dignity

yay pain

So my back is killing me. Here is a list of the other MS symptoms I have.
*Intention tremors in my right hand
*Optic Neuritis
*fatigue
difficulties in mobility
*difficulty in balance
*problems with constipation'
*urination starting and stopping sometimes or inability to hold it
*depression

but all that aside I feel I am quite lucky. I feel I am healthier than I was before I was diagnosed. I am smoke free, eat right, work out, and lift hand weights. There is always a brighter side to a silly disease.

I. Sarah. The Lab Rat

Since I am now unable to work, I have decided to use my time helping with doing research for OHSU. When I had my last neurology appointment, my Dr., Dr. Overs suggested two research opportunities, one balance and MS and then one Lipolic Acid. I did both and then also received a call for another for Gait with MS. and last night I heard of another one, on Wellness and MS. This one will be interesting because it is a study on depression and anxiety with MS. It doesn't pay but this one is very interesting to me because I am going through, or have went through in the past. I like to spend my time on doing something to better the research for this crummy disease.

my 2012 resolution

So it is 2012 not, and normally I do not believe in resolutions but this yea maybe I should have a change I aspire to. (The reason I never had one was because most people I see that make them fail that resolution) I want to this year to fight my right hand tremors by using it as much as I can. I luckily was given a hypnotherpy session with Richard Chase of The Gnosis Group to help me visualize my mind to repair the connection.
My hand is still shaky now but I am able to use it more than I was and will continue to work on it. Next to work on is my depression.

Sniling at the zenful times in life

Just recently I had a bout of constipation due to MS...such fun right? Seriously 5 days clogged up. On the fifth day I drank day old coffee which eased it free. Lol I am sorry for being so graphic but you know what, it is a part of life. When I pooed I smiled a big ol' grin. Like "Oh thank goodness"!
Pooping is very zenful I think. It is the expulsion of the bad. I ad posted a question on how others deal with constipation on the National M.D. Foundation on Facebook and I received so many great hints and comments! I do want to thank everyone for their suggestions. It is an issue that people with MS deal with because the signal from the brain is not connecting or sending as it should.

All in all, my message is that with MS you are thankful for such little things but to us, they are big!

unrealistic worries

For some reason the worry of me having another seizure popped into my head. I had one seizure like 3 or 4 years ago in Madison Wisconsin when we were visiting our friends. I remember sitting in a chair ad Shawn and Alex talking about bikes while I looked out the window, watching a squirrel, when I started to get panicky. Then I come to in an ER and some nurse says in a Minnesotian accent , "Oh I hear you had a seizure, eh?" The doc put me on anti-seizure meds until I could get back to Cleveland and see my neurologist. They made me feel zombified. I ask my doc to take me off of them. He did, and I haven;t had a seizure since. For some reason though, sometimes I fear having another. See...unrealistic!
I guess with life, I should just sit back and enjoy the ride

Shaking hand no more?

Had a morning Hypnotherapy sesasion with Richard Chase. He mainly concentrated on the tremors in my right hand. At first I did not feel that I was that under but I was. I remember him telling me to imagine workers in my body to fix the wires in my brain and spinal cord. For those workers to insulate those wires. Something I can always have them go back and do if I need.

End result? My hand is not really shaky, it happens few and far between moments. I ate my lunch with my right hand again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once again, "hello hand" Richard has helped with both hands now. A year ago with my left hand and now with my right.

inability...

It is so hard to except ones inability to do things anymore especially when you have been really independant. It saddens me beyond belief because of the recent lack of interdependency. That and when I go to bed I wonder and pray to God that I will be able to walk the next day,

Sorry I am not very positive right now but this is a way to get these things off my chest.

trying to stay afloat

So I have been Raily busy with doing or having done two research studies and soon to be a third. One for balance and MS, Lipoic acid study, and willo soon do a motion and MS. The money I make on the lipoic acid study will go towards getting me a new passport. I sew no point in me getting a state ID here i Oregon when $50 more can get mne a passport.I am not doing these studies for the money though. I figure all I really do usually is play video games, watch something, read or nap. Why not help the research with MS?!

I am trying to not be sad about this, but i SEE HOW MUCH THIS DISEASE HURTS THE ONES I love when I am not doing well. I try to be happy or at least put on a smile even when I am not feeling that great because that smile will go to the person i AM SMILING TO, AND Come back to me. I am sorry about the caps. I have rewritten this post so many times, I just don't care.

ack I am trying to be the happy goth girl still but it is getting harder

I must remember this: I AM STRONGER THAN THIS DISEASE

mind of thier own

my body and socially my hands gave a mind of their own. My hands esoecially. I have trouble usuing the mouse, my hands shake above the keyboard, my signature is horriable now and taking noes while on the phonelike phone numbers is next to impossa. I try so hard to do things but I have to fight and plead with my body to work.
God MS is so hard! Even sitting in this lower seat tryibg to type my thughts is hard. I have to do everything I can not to give up.
I won't lie, it is simetimes aooeakubg.

Another problem this morning. What fun

Early this morning I really had to pee, but again I had a little trouble from sitting up in bed. After a few tries and with Shawn's help I stood up. God I really had to pee. Shawn had to help escort me down the hallway because my feet were dragging a bit. When we got to the bathroom I was about to burst! Shawn let go of me so I Can do my thing and in my urgency, I tried to move too fast to get to the toilet. I tripped on my feet and fell snacking my lower back and Head on the tub. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwww I let out the loudest yelp! That and I couldn't hold it anymore so I am sitting near the tub, in pain, and pee soaked PJs. God I love MS!
Shawn came in right after my cry and got me his pair of creeper shorts and helped me back to bed. I am glad I did not do any more damage to myself but I am still in pain because of my back. I wonder can I just say to myself "quit being so clumsy"!

Moral of the story, get a bed side commode

medicare not so hot

I recieved a letter today from the local social security office telling me I am going to be getting only $501 for SSI/SSDI which is some $167 less. I call and ask why because I use my SSI money to pay my rent which is $500 and then my utilities. yeah how the fuck am I supposed to pay for my utilities when I will get the bare minimum to pay the rent. I call abd ask why and they say the $167 goes to paying my medicare. I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING ASK TO GET MEDICARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
The reasong they put me on medicare because I now have an incurable disease. Now they have to pay for it and it doesn't even cover it all.
Shawn is not working much at the Scottish Rite and has applied for so many jobs on Craigslist. It is not his fault at all. I just don't know what to do....

research and prescriptions

I may do two research studies for OHSU and the VA hospital. One on Lypolic acid and the other on balance. I really want to do the one on balance but I mentioned I had ONE seizure in my life so I may not be able to do it. And I have a prescription for a bedside commode a wheelchair and a cooling vest but I need to find a merdical supply store that offers Care Oregon. blech and now I need to get back to cleaning. yay

nearly a week in the hospital

Having to stay at the hospital because your MS does not work well with other illnesses BLOWS. I just had an upper respiratory infectikon and for most people it only takes a couple of days to clear up. With MS I get the pleurae of being there 6 days. And looking chewed up like a junkie.

\At least I am home now. I missed Shawn and our puppy so much They are my family.